Have you ever had so much to say that finding the starting point to say it is near impossible? This is me. How do I take all that I feel and express it with crystal clarity? I used to just write and it would be there. Now I think of who might be reading it. Or what if it doesn’t come out correctly? I just want to be free to express myself how I feel fit and live my life as uniquely mine. And the funny thing about that is the only person who ever held me back from being free was me. Worrying about what other people will think about my life has nothing to do with them, but me. The only judgment that truly matters is the one I place on myself, because without it, all other judgments mean nothing. It requires me to accept their judgment and that acceptance only comes if I agree to it within self judgment.
Intellectual understanding is my strength. Emotional detachment from the feelings of judgment is a whole other bag of worms. I dislike the feelings of knots in my stomach. I dislike the memories on a cellular level. I often say I don’t understand why people judge each other, but what I mean is I don’t know why we can’t just love each other. In order for someone to judge someone else, they have to judge themselves. I speak from experience.
Lately, when I’m out I find I catch myself judging what someone else looks like or what they’re wearing and I think, “Does it matter what they look like? Because it doesn’t affect me. I’m not with them or dating them. I have no attachment to them.” And I find I let it go because really, deep down inside, it’s all about me.
It’s about my judgments. It’s about how I look, or feel about myself. Maybe that day it’s about how I’m feeling regarding my teeth, or my skin, or my hair. It’s not about that girl over at that bar wearing a shirt that’s entirely too small. It’s about me, never doing something like that in my mind. Its self projecting and that’s not an act of love.
Self love might start with learning to love myself unconditionally, but its healing power is seen by loving others as I do myself. And I really see the areas within myself that need to heal when I examine my interactions with others.
It’s easy to talk the talk from an intellectual point of view, it’s much harder to live it by letting other people show you the truth of your own inner wounds. And this is the journey I’m on.
I’m working on not closing up when I feel the judgment, not reaching out for approval when I can’t give it to myself. Instead I’m allowing myself to sit with these feelings and know myself in the uncomfortableness it arouses. And let me say, it’s not easy to do, but as I’m learning through all of my experiences, nothing worth doing is easy. The fruit is in the dedication to being the best you can be in all you do.
I want to get to the end of my life knowing I did the best I could. I loved the people in my life. I worked hard to make a difference and improve life, not only for myself but for the generations to come. And instead of believing in what the world said life should be, I believed in showing the world what life could be if we just loved each other.
Ugliness gets us nowhere. Being hard on each other, pointing fingers, and blaming other people for our lot in life brings us nothing. No one wants to be judged because of their circumstances. No one wants to be labeled. No one wants to feel stones being thrown from another person’s eyes as they stare in judgment. And there is more truth than we’ll ever know in the statement about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes.
Do we have nothing better to do then to criticize our brothers and sisters? Really? I love myself more than to criticize someone else’s life. I just want to care. I say this because I put an ad on Craig’s List looking for people who would like to write for my site and a few nasty emails I have gotten back hurts. I’ve been excused of just looking for people to do my work for me, and called pathetic. For what? I don’t understand why people would take the time to write someone back hurtful emails. It provoked uneasy feelings in me, mainly because I could feel the hostility. But again, the truth is that their response has nothing to do with me. I just have to learn to let go of my own judgments so their judgments flows right on by.
I’m proud of the Universal One. I’m proud of where it’s come in less than a year and excited to see it grow into more than I could imagine. And honestly I’ve put everything I have into it. And I know now I have to stop worrying about how I’m going to make money and start focusing on the love I have for it and the difference I know it will make. And it doesn’t matter that I’m sitting here with a lot less than when I started this journey because the growth I’ve been feeling in my decision to choose this path is producing something amazing within me. I physically can’t care what people think of my journey anymore because I’m finding myself in it. I’ve had people question my Christian faith –warning me of the devil. I had people excuse me of being all about my ego in this, and I’m sure there are many people out there who have their own belief about what the Universal One represents, but at the end of the day there’s one person I answer to and it’s me –and I alone answer to my God. I respect my journey and I respect the journey of other people as well.
My reflection is inward. I’m afraid because money is tight. I’m afraid of looking in the mirror and looking like a failure, but if I’m a failure then I I’m a failure because I believed this to be something good and something the world needs, so how am I ever failing? And, I fear no one will want to be with me because I don’t have a lot of money right now. I’m only scared of those things because society has set a standard on success and who in society sets those standards? According to society I think I need a minimum of a 51” TV to be making it, right? No. I can’t live by society’s standards. My life is here for comparison. I don’t want my friends to use my life as the standard for theirs and vice versa. I want my life to make a difference and I want their life to make a difference too. It’s all I could ask for anyone. I want you to affect her, and for her to affect him. I want us all to care about each and every person out there because no one’s life is more valuable and more precious than someone else’s life. I want us to want to see the best in each other.
And this change I desire has to start within myself. This is where I am today. I’m inside looking out and realizing I have a lot of healing to do. The moment I can walk into a room and not feel scared or wonder what someone thinks of me is the day I know I’m living from the love within. I can’t control my love. I can’t control what someone else thinks. I can’t control anything. I can only learn to live and love beyond the judgments of the world, while loving everything in it.
I say all of this from the most honest aspects of my being, knowing it’s time to stop hiding who I am out of fear and start giving of who I am out of love. I’m done being afraid. I’m on a journey of healing. I guess it doesn’t matter where you start searching for yourself, it’s what you make of what you find that makes the journey of exploration rich. When you just let go, life somehow seems to flow.
Thanks for listening!
Much love to you all,