This week I was going to write about racism and prejudice in America. I have all my notes right here next to me. However, as I have learned in life, I must go with the flow, even though I have carefully picked this topic. Yesterday I did a ton of research and soul searching, but I will have to wait to share it.
Today I want to walk with you down a road in my life. I have something more intimate to share with you. Perhaps, it is because I had a friend ask me to write a letter of gratitude for an upcoming event in which a collection of letters will be bound together in a book. Or maybe it’s because I spent the first part of yesterday with my 11 year old nephew after not seeing him for a few months. Or, it could be because I spent Friday night with my Mom and then to make it fair, I spent Sunday night with my father. It could also be that my parent’s Dog Sam has kidney disease and its progressively getting worse. I think it’s because of all those things that I feel in my heart I have something to say. I don’t know what it is exactly, so I guess I’m sharing this fullness in my chest without fore knowledge of what it will bring. We will discover my revelation together!
At the age 34, more things roll off my back. I like this age. I don’t need material things to feel safe. I don’t need the love of another to make me whole. And I don’t have to plan my life out to know I will be successful. I finally feel like I get it—I get life—and it’s refreshing. I am writing this blog, sitting on my bed, and I don’t know where I will be in a year. I really don’t know, but the world says to me, “Where is your plan? You need future security? 401K, ya know? You need to plan for your future!” But I say to myself it’s all an illusion. The people I see who are the happiest are the ones who have found themselves. They know themselves and it is that security that makes their future bright. The most successful people I know are the ones who live life in happiness, not planning for future happiness.
I know what I want to do with my life. I know who I am and where I am going; yet, I still don’t know where I will be in one year. I know I will be happy. I know I will be loved. I know I will be successful and I know I will be doing what I am meant to do. I have a vision, but in order for that vision to be wonderful, I always have to leave room for my short sightedness. I am only human and I have to leave room for my growth.
I see myself travelling the country, and eventually the world, giving lectures, sharing my insight, promoting my books, and working with others to run my Spiritual Healing Center. I see it, but I know within my vision there is also what I can’t see, and in that I give space for creation to do its thing within me. I know I still have to grow. I know I still have a life time of lessons to learn, but from where I am at now, I love this life! I almost love the uncertainty. Actually, most of the time I love it! It’s a little hard to love when the world gets the better of me, but more often than not, I allow the world take a backseat.
So what is it? What am I feeling? Is it gratitude? Or is it the feelings of change? I guess its love. I have so much to be thankful for. I look back on my life and it wasn’t an easy life. I had a lot of pain. I had a lot to grow out of and away from and I am standing on the other side of it. I’m looking back on my life and I don’t see the darkness anymore. I don’t feel the pain.
It is kind of like when I was a kid. If I saw a white van driving down the road and I was a good distance from the safety of my house, I would run for cover because I was afraid of kidnappers. It sounds funny, but I would watch shows and all the kidnappers had white vans so I was scared. It’s the only association I had back then. If I saw them I would run for my life! Now, all I have are memories and looking back on all the times I ran for cover, I don’t have terror with those memories, but a smiling fondness for them, because I obviously know better now. I’m not reliving the fear of that moment. I’m looking back as a person who has grown beyond the fear of that moment. It’s the same for my whole life. I look back and all I see is the beauty of every event that has brought me to this moment.
I am happy. Maybe not every day, some days life is tough. Some days, I feel achy or tired, stressed or just overwhelmed, but over all I’m happy with my life. And I know in my heart I am going to be a success, because I get it! I get life and in that “getting” I suppose I see the bigger blessing. I have to ask myself, “How many people go through their whole lives and never get it?” A good majority don’t. How blessed am I to get life and be able to live it in fullness?
I want to share life. I would love to end my days knowing that I helped people find their purpose in this life. I would love to wake up knowing that today I will inspire someone to stand up to the world and say, “I’m doing it my way, not yours!” I want to spend day in and day out learning from what I give to others and being amazed at what they give back to me. I have discovered my vision. And in my vision, I find the truth that helps me grow. And in my growth, I want to share with others, including all of you who read this. Right now, it may only be a dozen of you, but a year from now it will be more than even I can envision, or comprehend. I am starting today to build on what I know and leave myself open for what I don’t yet know about the future.
I love so much about life. I guess I have seen something in these past few days that has left tears in my eyes and beauty in my heart. With open eyes, I have been seeing life. I see life growing in my nephew. Sadly, I see life wilting in Sammy dog. . I see the overlooked, like all the hidden wildlife surrounding me in Middleton. I have been photographing it and this brings me joy. I see the will-not-be-ignored force that exists in my best friend, my dog Freddy. I have seen how much the little differences make when I just do things because I care.
In these last few days, I have been compassionately observing the struggles of family and friends just being there with love and empathy. I have discovered how sending a simply letter of encouragement in the mail can lift someone’s spirit to fight the good fight in love. I have grown within growing and I wonder how can I be so blessed?
Friday night I went to see Donna Summer with my Mom. It was a surprise for her birthday. See, when I was a kid I would play her record “On the Radio” over and over again. I am surprised I didn’t wear the vinyl out! My mother loved her, but by the end of my nonstop sing-along sessions, she needed a few decades before she could enjoy Donna again. It became a fond memory between us. Needless to say, we danced the night away! It was serendipitous in a way. Being with my Mom, coming full circle, showed me that my life is full of meaning and love. It is full of little blessings.
At the concert, I noticed how Donna was wondrously open to everyone around her. She would smile and wave and it was so welcoming. I remember thinking I need to be more like that, I need to be more open. Later in the evening she pointed out how she is just another person, who happens to sing for a living. She said that her job was to make sure we, the audience, were having a good time, to give to us. I thought, “That’s it!” I realized that in order to give you have to be open to receive. What I mean is that I need to be open to the love I give. I have to be ready to receive the love I give others. I can’t make a connection with people if I am afraid to be open. Sure it’s easy to write these words and then post it on a blog for anyone to read, but how much more difficult is it to feel it coming back toward me in the hearts and minds of others? The same could be said for Donna. Sure it might be easy for her to stand on a stage and sing, but how much harder is it for her to reach back out to those people who are reaching for her words, her inspiration, and her passion and love? It’s not easy to keep ourselves open to the impact of our love, or to keep our hearts and minds in a place to give and receive love and appreciation.
I’m learning a lot. I guess I am having a special moment. I’m realizing just how far I have come and it’s a good feeling to let this love of life resonate within. I feel alive knowing I am alive. I won’t live my life as someone just getting by in life. I am someone living the big and little blessing of life. I will always be an angel just stopping in or a friend just giving a hug and I will appreciate being that person just as much as the person travelling the world giving inspiration to hundreds of thousands in a less intimate way. I desire to be so many things to so many people, but to you, whoever you are I hope more than anything I am an inspiration, not because I might have a best seller book, or a grand following, but just because I opened my heart and understood my purpose, and took a moment to share it all with you.
Thank you for allowing me to share these words I had sitting inside. I guess all I had to share was my appreciation for my life. How humbling this experience has been for me.
Wishing Light & Love for all!